Panic
by 15atay
Summary: Lena hasn't had a panic attack in years and doubts she ever will again but when problems she never expect to arise do, how will she and Stef get through it? 2 Parter
1. Chapter 1

**Idk I feel like even people as put together as Lena have to fall apart sometimes. This will be a two parter**

"Pick up groceries, read over that new student's paper work, get Brandon's a birthday present" Lena couldn't help but groan while readying her never ending to do list. She had almost been excited for the weekend before she had pulled out this list but at least she would get to spend time with her wife and kids, even if that time consisted of running errands. Life had been a bit hectic sense the family a settled into their new routine of 5 kids and two full time jobs, it could be overwhelming at times but Lena was coping quite well. Stef however seemed to always be worried about her wife. She was always telling Lena to take it easy and relax, Lena's usual response was a giggle or eye roll. She got it though, even though she hadn't had a panic attack in over 6 years Stef was always afraid one would pop up. Lena wasn't worried though, she had come to understand her anxiety and knew when she needed to take a moment to herself.

Finally convinced her list was finished Lena began to back up when a loud knock at the door stopped her mid stride. It was her boss Sanchez which was usually a bad sign.

"Hey Lena can I talk to you for a second?" The principal of Anchor Beach asked leaning against the wall as usual, it bothered Lena that she never sat.

"Sure" Lena forced a smile, trying to think of what this talk could be about.

"Well I wanted you to know that I will be retiring at the end of the school year!"

"Really?" Lena's eyebrows shot up in surprise

" Yeah my husband just did and we've always wanted to live up in the mountains so …"

"Oh wow, congratulations!" Lena smiled and inwardly laughed, this was the most personal conversation she and her boss had had in her 12 years working here and Lena still wasn't quite sure why it was happening.

" Yeah so I'm telling you all this because I care about this place and I can't imagine anyone else running it better than you could, so I putting a good word in for you"

"Really?" Lena didn't think her eyebrows could go any higher but they did. "That's very nice of you, I really apre-"

"Yeah you are going to need it Lena, Smith wants the job too"

Both women frowned at the name, Mr. Smith, the vice principal of the elementary school at Anchor Beach was mean and ruthless, not to mention the largest kiss ass in San Diego. He had the entire board wrapped around his finger and he was still upset that Lena had got the vice principal job for middle and high school instead of him. Lena had never had a conversation with the guy that wasn't a little bit hostile and competing with him for this job wouldn't be fun in the slightest.

"Well thank you for the heads up and the recommendation, you really have been a great boss and"

"Yeah save it Lena it's Friday" Sanchez smiled and walked out closing the door behind her.

"Whoa let me help you with that love" Stef trotted over to her wife who was carrying five bags of groceries toward the house. "You do know we have 5 pairs of hands sitting inside right?

"Yeah but by the time I got them out here I could already be done"

Stef just smiled and picked up a couple more bags from the trunk. Once all the food was inside she called the kids down to put the food away so she could finally change, Lena followed closely behind.

"So you'll never guess what Sanchez told me before I left today" Lena commented from the couple's connected bathroom

" Oh boy" Stef sighed while emerging from their closet after locking up her gun.

" No its good actually…she is leaving"

"Really?"

" Yeah I know , it surprised me too"

"So are going to be principal now?"

"Well it not an automatic promotion, I will have to reapply and everything but I really hope I get the job, more flexibility , more of a say in things"

"more money"

" Yeah more money "

Stef, already changed into her pajamas wrapped her arms around her wife. " Well. I'm sure you'll get it who wouldn't want a saint as a principle!"

Lena's weekend was just as hectic as she expected and went by way fast than she had hoped. Before she knew it she was back in her office trying to do a million things at once. Balancing their check book while on a conference call seemed like a good idea before she got started. Lena frowned at just how much money they didn't have while trying to sound enthusiastic on the call. Luckily someone knocked on her door, getting her out of a least one of her commitments. Or that's what she thought till she saw Smith standing in the door way.

" Hey " Lena avoided his eyes while hanging up the phone and putting her check book in her drawer "What's up?" If Sanchez rarely came to her office with good news, Smith never did. " Have a seat "

He ignored her and went to stand by the window instead. "So you hear about Sanchez?"

"Yeah I did actually I-"

" Yeah everyone thinks you'll be the new principal, since you can do no wrong and all"

" Well I don't know if I'd say all that but-"

" Yeah neither would I…."

Lena sat stunned by Smith's comment. Taking her silence as interest he continued.

" Sanchez might not of told the board about you morning after pill debacle but believe me I will, not to mention your new kid who just magically jumped the waiting list with shaking test scores, maybe I'll check into that too…all I'm saying is…maybe you should just stick to vice principal yeah?" With a smug grin Smith left Lena in her office, shocked with her thoughts and worries.

Lena couldn't get any work done, worry invaded her mind and actions. But there was so much work that she needed to get done. But every time she started she would end up taping her fingers and staring at her screen tears stinging her eyes. She had messed up big time. Not only could she not get the principal job , she could lose her job, her license even. The family was barely getting by with their combined incomes. Convinced she needed a change of sensory she got up and started passing her small office. It started feeling too small and she needed more air. But it was hard to breathe and her legs felt like lead. A million thoughts raced through her head and she felt as if she would throw up. She slumped against the wall and crumbled into a ball trying to breathe and to think and live but she couldn't. She felt sweaty and helpless and angry because she was done with this. She hadn't had a panic attack in over 5 years and here she was crying on the floor of her office. And it was all her fault.

Stef. She needed to call Stef. Lena got up and grabbed her phone and hit the speed dial and waited, willing for the room to stop spinning and her chest to stop aching and for Stef to pick up.


	2. Chapter 2

Stef can still remember the first time she witnessed Lena have a panic attack, she has never felt so helpless. Nothing in particular had caused it, or Lena hadn't told her but when she ran into the kitchen after hearing plates shattered she thought Lena was having a heart attack. She was gasping like she had just sprinted a mile and sweating just the same. And there was nothing Stef could do but hold her and watch her suffer. After that day Stef was always worried that Lena was too stressed, but that was thing about it. It was always out of no where , Lena would be fine for months and then all of a sudden it was there and all Stef could do was hold her a listen to heart beat out of time.

It was Stef's day off when Lena called. She had almost let it go to voicemail because she was in the middle of vacuuming, but something made her grab the phone on the last ring and the sound of the machine was replaced by Lena's crying.

" Love? Lena what's wrong."

"I ...I ruined everything Stef, I ruined it all I'm gonna lose my job and they are gonna...take the house or and we are gonna lose the kids or I don't know it's gonna be bad and I can't Stef I'm so sorry" Lena practically yelled between sobs. Her speech was so ragged and chopping that Stef knew it was panic attack and she was out of the door before Lena had finished her shpeal.

" Lena. Listen to me. I need you to focus on your breathing ok? For me love. "

"...yeah ok "

" I'm almost there ok " once she arrived Stef slammed her car door and rushed to her wife's office. Not realizing Lena was leaning against the door Stef pushed it open causing Lena to scream. " It's ok love I'm here " Stef knelt down to her crying wife , her hands were grabbing curly hair and her knees were pulled to her chest. It was always so off putting to see Lena like this. She was always so elegant and poised but she bottled it all up and eventually the pressure built up and exploded .

Once Lena had caught her breath and calmed down a bit she explained it all to Stef. Stef assured her that all the worst case senerios were highly unlikely and that everything would work out. " I gave Lexi the pill not you and as for the test...they will never be Abel to prove that. " Stef spoke softly while rubbing her wife's back , willing Lena's heart to beat a little slower or her body to stop shaking.

" I'm sorry" Lena said so quietly Stef almost didn't hear her.

" There is nothing to be sorry about Lena...you did what was right for Jude just like I did what was right for Lexi. We'll work this out...we always do."

The couple sat there on the floor of Lena's office for a couple more minutes, until Lena felt better and then headed home. The kids were all there , they had opted to walk home and they had even started dinner. " See love" Stef whispered into Lena's ear. " Everything always works out" she smiled and went to help her children set the table.

" Lena?" Sanchez enter without knocking a couple weeks later

" Uh... Yeah what's up" Lena turned her attention from her computer screen to her boss.

" Congrats! "

" Really? I got the job? Even with..."

" Everyone has smudges on their record Lena, Smith had plenty and in the end we knew you would do a better job. Beside Lexi's parents didn't put up a huge fuss after she ran away and Jude is thriving now. I would avoid doing any of that again but hey" and with that she was out the door. Immediately Lena grabbed the phone and called her wife.

" Hey Stef ? Everything's gonna be ok "

ps.I didn't like this half at all but here it is

Pss. This is how I experience panic attacks I'm sure everyone's different


End file.
